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    The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

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    The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Guest on 27/10/10, 09:38 am

    When we go to China for the first time some members decide to marry on the first visit other members may marry on the second visit to China or in some cases they may go three or four time before they marry.

    In my experience I would definitely recommend not to marry on the first visit some members have their marriage as being very successful I can understand when members' marry on the first visit because of financial restrictions but in the long term it could work out more expensive if you divorce then she be entitled to half of every think you have.

    There been quite a few members after meeting their girlfriend in China they return home to their own environment and decided not to marry when you're in China for the first time it's such a amazing wonderful environment you're just not thinking clearly.

    Would you dream of going to meet someone in your own country say 200 miles away then marrying her on your first meeting people would say your bloody stupid and quite rightly.

    The majority of questions asked by members on this forum is about travelling to China hotels visas then if you decide to marry the next set of questions is documents for marriage, the process for obtaining settlement visas.

    Then when you arrived in your country with your Chinese wife you feel really pleased with every think because you been successful with marriage arrangements obtain the settlement visa a life can only get better you think.

    This is where you should be asking the most questions where your wife arrives in your country, for last few years you been living on your own you have your own routine when you share your home with someone else you after make adjustments to their ways as well but when the woman you marry cannot really understand English and she has a different culture believe me it can be bloody hard work, the first year somedays you ask yourself what have I done many time myself I've looked at the prices of a return ticket to China thinking this will not work out you spend a lot of time explaining the laws in China are not the same in England ( or your country) and yes we all know everything cheaper in China when they refuse to help you to buy an important item and yes the food is different please try it or do we have to have boiled rice again.

    Yes darling you done really well getting a job and I know they pay you money every month you know why so you can spend it and help with the house keeping yes I know you want to buy an apartment in China if you don't help with the bills in England we won't have a home in England.

    You didn't know there was poor people in England yes we have poor people just like China yes we do have free medical care but people like a plumber joiner and electrician yes we have to pay them, yes you have to pay taxes yes I know you Chinese doesn't make any difference.

    The list is endless I just gave you a few examples after two years my wife now really understand English culture don't think it's a bed of roses.

    Am sure members have similar experiences some too embarrassed to mention lol
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    makem
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by makem on 27/10/10, 10:55 am

    I must be one of the lucky ones. Very Happy

    My wife wants to work, wants to learn to drive, to earn money for US. She feels a loss of face because she cannot at the moment contribute to our expenses in the UK.

    She speaks enough English for us to be able to discuss most things at all levels and is studying hard to improve. She does volunteer work at two places to broaden her knowledge of oral English.

    She owns a home in China but has no desire to return there even though she was quite high in society, being involved in Court procedures, newspapers, being interviewed for a TV presenters job, dubbing in a movie.

    She has a son (in his 20's) in China but, does not support him financially although he is struggling at times.

    We recently talked about birthday presents, she, said "I don't want any presents, every day is a present to me".

    So, as you say Robert, some are lucky, some are not, it's the same the whole world over.
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by nigelld7 on 27/10/10, 12:06 pm

    Hi Robert

    Are you saying ''You can take a woman out of Chinese culture but you can't take the Chinese culture out of the woman'' ?? Laughing Wink

    Nigel.


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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Guest on 27/10/10, 01:37 pm

    Hi Nigel
    You cannot take any one out of their culture just like myself born an Englishman and I shall die as Englishman, Chinese women are no different it's really about understanding each other's culture.

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by davext on 28/10/10, 12:57 am

    Hi Nigell, was going to PM you but it seems i dont have enough posts to do so (whats the story there ?) Davext from oz
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by wanneroo on 28/10/10, 01:20 am

    Hi Robert I waited six months before a visit, I visited again, the prospects looked good My decision to bring Mary to Australia was two fold one because I love her and two to find how her living with me for three months in my enviroment affects me, and of course herself living in an English speaking country with the I eat Eggs and bacon Mary eats rice and fish so a compromise has to be the name of this game Iam looking forward to Mon Am when she will be on my turf,cheers Geoff

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by davext on 28/10/10, 01:24 am

    Hi Geoff, i think you will find that you are going to be eating a lot more rice than you are used to LOL
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by wanneroo on 28/10/10, 07:55 am

    I like Indian food lots of rice so kind of use to it I went shopping for Mary,I got noodles, water melon seeds, peanuts, china tea.I intend to go and get her corn on the cob which she is crazy about she eats fruit, vegatables and other things like black duck eggs, Which I cant stomach, she knows what I prefer she never expects me to eat some of the Chinese food that doesnt appeal to me, needless to say I try it all,then throw up
    She tells me to take no salt, no pepper, no chilli, small amounts of chicken, two eggs only a week eat nuts and plenty fruit, I did get her into KFC in Nanning and Pizza hut which she enjoyed, its compromise I dont expect her to eat Western she is Chinese Iam English toast is unknown to her with baked beans etc We are all human with a different script we just have to learn each others lines,this 3 month togetherness will be lovely with out the food issue if you know what I mean Cheers Geoff
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Beijing2008 on 28/10/10, 05:05 pm

    Geoff, toast with beans is only for limeys, not for normal people Mad
    YiXuan eats a lot of Dutch food , and vegetables,and I eat almost everything, except the 1000 yr eggs.And to spicy stuff, but from Nanning it is most of the time not to spicey.Not all of the soy sauces I like, there are to many.
    Tomoorow we have to go to the Chinese Supermarket to get more noodles and sauces and sticky rice. Will cost another 100Euro or so.

    I agree with Robert btw, about making money working and decide it is for herself.
    I in general don't bother, but don't expect me to send money to China family.And when taxbills need to be paid, she has to help out. I'm not a banker.
    But to be honest, Roberts story about money sound a lot worse than in our marriage, I can take money if needed, with not many complaints from her side.
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by handyal on 28/10/10, 07:00 pm

    Beijing2008 wrote:But to be honest, Roberts story about money sound a lot worse than in our marriage, I can take money if needed, with not many complaints from her side.

    Thats because you have EC Directive 2004/38 on your side.

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by davext on 28/10/10, 11:39 pm

    Hi Folks ,have just been reading Roberts post, and agree entirely and although this type of discussion has been covered many times , i noticed it keeps coming back, and i think if you sit back and think , after spending tens of thousands of dollars plus to get your loved one over to your country to be with you, you find you had more quality time with them while you were visiting them in China, When they get here ( after all the visa bulls//// you go through ) ,i thing the prioritys change (getting a job becomes no 1 ) dont get me wrong you will still be well looked after, but the main agenda is to get that money in the bank , not to spend, to send back to China for old age,My gripe is i thought we were going to be together, doing stuff travelling all sorts of relaxing / leisure stuff but it has not happened she is happy working 8 /10 hours a day (she makes more money in 1 day than her sister in China makes in 1 month)whether its all this easy money that drives her i dont know, i do know that i see very little of her , as she can be in bed as early as 7.30 pm some nights.even the son has noticed that she has no time to spend playing with him.So once again we have this cultural thing or traditional thing about money and not spending ( she is now talking about putting son in 40,000 dollars a year school i told her i would not pay that sort of money , but she said no problem she can work and pay by doing an extra job. LOL then i would see her even less . so as Robert says its not all a bed of roses, there are a few thorns Smile

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Guest on 29/10/10, 12:16 am

    I'm must admit perhaps it's the way I written my original thread everything I said about a Chinese woman coming to live in your country do not actually apply to my wife some do some don't some are comments from other members over the years.

    Financially after my accident nearly two years ago which left me partly disabled my wife Li-Ping has been a tower of strength emotionally and financially even buying me a car and keeping my head above water. When she first arrived in United Kingdom yes she went a apartment in China but after living here for six years she has realised there is no future for herself in China one day she may return and enjoying the benefits of her pension

    Of course we have many misunderstandings including many arguments it wasn't easy the first two years but today we really do appreciate each other even if she still thinks she always right and everybody else is to blame typical Chinese I say...

    I written the article because the amount of new members joining the forum I didn't want them to see everything through rose-tinted glasses marrying a Chinese woman like every marriage you have to work very hard especially when you marrying a woman with different culture and language to yourself and some members may be despaired I just hope both my article show them there's light at the end of the tunnel

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by davidmckendrick on 29/10/10, 03:06 am

    The trouble with finally thinking you see a light at the end of the tunnel is when it is a train coming the other way!!!!!

    I agree that we have had a few arguments and disagreements mostly caused by language and cultural differences and that Mei's priorities apart from looking after me are to amass a nest egg in the bank for her old age and to get her son settled in a job in the UK.

    I had planned to do a lot more travelling after I retire but she is reluctant to take time off work. I want to move to the warmth and low cost of living in NanNing but she wants the relatively high salary, job security and Welfare State in the UK. I need to be married to a Chinese Citizen to expedite my Chinese visas and house ownership but she wants a UK passport so she can travel with very few visa restrictions throughout the world. Also if she gets a UK Passport before her son is 18 he will automatically get UK Citizenship too which will make him eligible for all the benefits of the UK Welfare and Benefits system. This may not seem a very wonderful system to we who have had to pay into it all our lives with little in return but it certainly provides more effectively for the poor, destitute and old than the system in China which has until recently relied on the children looking after their elderly parents and families relying on siblings and parents for childcare and support.

    Finally I have to admit that the last three and a half years since I met Mei have been the best years of my life and my only wish is that I had met her before she married her first husband... (Mei wasn't even born before I met my first wife!!!!)

    David

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by davext on 29/10/10, 03:26 am

    Hi again, following up on Davids post i think that most of us on the forum are in the same boat, (not all, many ) that is that we are all a great deal older than our wives, hence the nest egg thinking, we are all going to be leaving this earth long before them ,therefore thats why many push to buy the apartment ect, so at least they wont be destitute, and thats fair enough as we wont be around as the breadwinner. Davext
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by wanneroo on 29/10/10, 03:38 am

    Iam interested in the age group of member wives, my own is 60 years of age, Iam 68, it all looks complicated when children are involved Iam way past having youngsters in the picture, Working in the UK and being paid well whilst at working age can be detrimental to a retired situation, when one wants other things, I have been married once, travelled a lot,I have a 34 year old Daughter married, so Iam on my own sort of now living alone, with its many benefits, I chose an older lady from Nanning who was retired,her children being a Daughter, 36 years married with a child, The Daughter has the legal responsibility to take care of her Mother at all times, making sure that the one her Mother chooses is the right man for her, I have had little feedback from what is expected of me from the Daughter, only that she likes me it seems to me that dictates come from the female side always, what about what us men require in a marriage,the obscession of money makes it dissapointing from what I have read, what is the relationship about? just a way of making her own money then buggering off and leaving you, I wont marry anyone again until Iam sure of the longer term expectations of me I have my own expectations of my lady and until these are well founded I will just take is slowly cheers Geoff ps I do intend to marry soon in Australia I have been a little put off with what I have read today Smile

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by CPRSCC on 29/10/10, 06:38 am

    Geoff, don't be put off by what these guys are saying. Take note that they are all still very happily married. What they're saying is that a Chinese woman has a different set of priorities to what we may be used to. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love her husband. In my case, Li is the most devoted caring wife that a man could possibly dream of. Yet she is an individual with her own wants and needs. Fortunately for me, one of those is that what she wants to do, she wants to do with me, together as partners in life but still as separate people. Really, that's the way it should be.

    Some people think that the Chinese are obsessed with money. Far from it. But women who are 40+ remember very clearly what life was like when they were young and I'm sure we've all discussed those times with our wives. Not pretty. So, could you blame them for wanting some comfort and security?

    Back to Robert's OP I can only agree with his thoughts on taking the same amount of time and care to be sure that the prospective partner you have really is the one for you, and you for her. There have been some instances on this forum and others, where people have jumped the gun and found all sorts of difficulties once their wives have joined them back in their home country. Truly, a little communication could have sorted these things out long before.

    I must admit that once Li was here in Australia our experience was more like Eric's than Robert's and there really haven't been any times when I've even thought that I might have made the wrong decision. She tells me that she feels the same way, but there are just a couple of things that I need to change.....

    In terms of your question, Geoff, about age differences, we have an 8 year difference. That's close enough for her (Chinese women do, usually, like to marry a man a little older) and not too much for me (who was concerned that too big a difference might mean something of a "generation gap").
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    Chris Seaborn
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Chris Seaborn on 29/10/10, 09:28 am

    Ying... (just told me she would like to be called Lily,after i told her our lilies will be out soon and they smell sweet.."I am sweet, I want to be called lily," so Lily it is! LOL. An hour later... I've just called out.. "Lily, Lily Seaborn" and she's burst out laughing) anyway, Ying and I are having a wonderful time. We met on the internet and around 6 months later I arrived in Nanning.... she was as wonderful as on line, we were married after a couple of weeks, on the 8th, a lucky day worked out by the family,(The 2 houses we've owned have had the street number '8'! Ying is on the title of our home, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't care who's name the Guilin apartment will be in when the house-book is obtained, but Ying say's it's our house. It's frowned upon to get married on your first trip and I agree with this unless your gut feeling says..go for it! It matters not when you get married it can still end in failure. For me, it was the best decision I've ever made.

    Ying is interested in making money, not for just putting it in the bank but for our future, we have already purchased an apartment in Guilin, I pay the mortgage what's left on the house here and all insurances, Ying pays all the day to day expenses, no questions, that's what she wanted. She's careful with money, I've showed her all the bills and how to read them, rates, electricity etc..she loves checking bills the supermarket is number one on her list...nothing gets past her.LOL. She loves the vegie garden which is a passion of mine too, We never argue, she hates fighting , as I do, we made a pact never to get angry with each other and I can't belive it's working, maybe it's because the culture is so different, I love every facet of the learning process (except trying to learn mandarin LOL). The best advice...'go with the flow' laugh at the mistakes made..there have been many on both sides...what's the point in getting angry? We're both in a learning process. We eat western breakfast, lunch is what-ever, dinner is mostly Chinese but with a good smattering of western cooking by both Ying and I.

    Our daughter is the same, she is a gem and a lot of fun! Although she won't get her hands dirty in the garden. LOL. She is a good student and has been studying so hard. She works during school holidays and weekends. She has just started her uni entry exams after arriving in OZ with very little English, I will be devastated for her if she doesn't get a place.

    I am so happy, I can never see myself 'cheating' on her..why? Because she's the best.

    Cheers,
    Chris, Ying and Ting.
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by wanneroo on 08/11/10, 02:44 am

    Mary has arrived now one week here in Perth and living together wth me I thought members would be interested in the differences in living styles
    1, dont take trips in car, plan what you need to do not wasting petrol
    2, When toothpaste tube empty get scissors and cut tube to obtain whats left inside
    3. change all light globes above 40watt to conserve energy
    4, do not leave TV on if you are not watching it switch all power outlets off no stand by lights on
    5. Do not play music at any loud level,that you can hear properly I have a full high fi system
    6, do not stand in front of the microwave oven stand to one side cook on gas rather than bad microwaves
    7, dont eat more than 2 eggs per week
    8, Eat all good things no western junk foods
    9 Eat all you are given even if you dont like some of it
    10 Toast should be eaten just slighly warmed bread golden brown toast is frowned upon,

    These are cultural differences we have to get used to I have lived alone for a long time some of the items take getting used to when in rome etc doesnt apply here Mary is a lovely lady if you want to marry a chinese lady get use to the differences it will drive you crazy or you will welcome the thrifty nature of the Wife very good one might say but I draw the line at the toast issue I will eat what I want I dont expect Chinese food day and night it wont be happening
    Mary cleaned the villa yesterday and then she wanted to clean the car she started at 10am till 4.30pm its so good to experience the way the Chinese woman are but you need to be strong with them or die not arrogant but assertive in the right way we are on a learning curve at present its different for me and for Mary she is caring very caring I love her heaps but I have to adjust to a new way of life Very Happy Very Happy
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Chris Seaborn on 08/11/10, 04:21 am

    Well said Geoff, what you've written takes me back! LOL. But shame on you...you should have had the 'new' low energy bulbs in before this! LOL. Ying eats toast like me now, gone is just heated bread and, I think, the 2 egg rule has gone by the wayside too. Time changes most things. If you have an old microwave then it probably pays not to stand too close. You know Geoff, the Chinese ladies remind me of my mum in the 40's-50's money was extremely tight after the war, in England, and she had watch everything to survive.

    Cheers,
    Chris
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by chinatyke on 08/11/10, 04:43 am

    davidmckendrick wrote:
    Also if she gets a UK Passport before her son is 18 he will automatically get UK Citizenship too which will make him eligible for all the benefits of the UK Welfare and Benefits system.
    David

    Is the UK so rich that it needs to import more benefit claimants?
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by davidmckendrick on 08/11/10, 04:58 am

    The UK Government insisted that Mei learn about the British way of life. They even set a test for "Life in the UK". So surprize, surprize, Mei knows more about Benefits than I will ever know!!! We already claim Family Allowance and Child Tax Credits which I have never done before. I can't blame immigrants for becoming benefit claimants after the government insisting on them going to classes to learn about what they might be entitled to!!!

    David
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Chris Seaborn on 08/11/10, 08:00 am

    Today, Ying and I have been married 3 years. I have to say the happiest I've ever been. It seems as if we've been together for ever, it could be Ting's influence as well, we've all have had a lot of fun together. It is something I've never experienced in marriage before, this is my fourth time, not that it's always the ex's fault, it takes two to tango, but I always seemed to be attracted to the same type of girl and it just didn't work! Then I met Ying and something just happened, can't describe it, maybe the culture had something to do with it or maybe it was because she and her family are such a damn nice people!

    Anyway, Chinese nature must have something to with it because I'm certainly not on my own with this experience. Treat your lady like gold or dirt and you will be repaid 10 fold..for me it has to be gold.

    Cheers,
    Chris, ying and Ting.
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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Beijing2008 on 08/11/10, 09:05 am

    YiXuan and I have an age difference of 18 yrs, we are married now for 4 yrs, and Lance LongFei is also 4.Btw, I've chosen his name, Lance is obvious,a great guy , with a good heart, using his assets to fight cancer. LongFei because he and I are both Dragons.

    Since my wife is working many hours, and studying, I take care of Lance.He most of the times only sees his mother on her day off, he is going to school, so when he comes home, mommy has gone to work.
    Problem is that he is totally focussed on me, because his mother doesn't have much time for him.And not the patience I have.So sometimes'the battle of the dikes'between them. Wink
    And since my health is not topquality sometimes it can be tiresome.
    But father and son fight a lot on Nintendo XL, and that little guy is in many gammes a lot better than I am,and he is FOUR Crying or Very sad Embarassed

    In Holland you can take a voluntary pension- insurance from the Government, based on the years you weren't in NL, and the income in China, from age 15 till you came to NL.
    So we took the insurance, does cost 4800 , ,which we pay in 5 yrs in monthly payments.Then YiXuan gets full state pension at age 65,or earlier when I die.That's about 750 per month.Not a bad deal , hey?As a couple we get about 1250 pm.And next to that my company pension, and my pension insurance.

    Sometimes it is difficult to follow the thoughts of a chinese woman, but you get used to it.

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by handyal on 08/11/10, 05:55 pm

    Women are the worst when it comes to shopping for clothes.

    It's 3 fold the experience when shopping with a Chinese woman in a Country foreign to her.

    Nice, but it has short sleeves.
    Nice, but the sleeves are to long.
    Nice, but to thin.
    Nice, but to thick.
    Nice, but itchy.
    Nice, but to long.
    Nice, but to short.
    Nice, but the stitching is poor.
    Nice, but do they have it in another colour.
    Nice, but it doesn't suit me.

    After 5 hours walking the stores and shops of Manchester, we came away with......................0.

    At one point I thought she had found a nice dress. She examined the material, the stitching, tried it on for size - perfect !
    Then she looked at the price......125. Wowww! In China that would only cost 250 RMB. I'm not paying that !
    (Well dear, remember your not in China, and your not paying anyway. I am.)

    Lucky escape until 2 shops later when she absolutely fell in love with another dress. As she examined the material and the stitches, she oooohed and awwwed, beautiful.
    I looked at the price tag. 250 !!!

    Very nice dear, but I bet you can get in cheaper in China.................fast exit.

    Never, never, again. Crying or Very sad
    avatar
    Chris Seaborn
    Senior Member
    Senior  Member

    Male
    Number of posts : 1507
    Age : 73
    Where I live : Wonthaggi, Victoria, Australia.
    I have visited China : 4 times
    Registration date : 2007-08-02

    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

    Post by Chris Seaborn on 08/11/10, 08:46 pm

    That's a classic tale Alan! Laughing I have to admit though Ying isn't quite as bad...maybe the age difference, but because everything is made in China or India she says I'll buy anything I need, (apart from essentials) when I go back to China...'too expensive here!' Ting, however, is like your wife, takes hours and is an absolute pain to go shopping with! But I'm lucky she pays for her own 'stuff', I've long given up suggesting she save her money. LOL. She did have a stint of buying off the internet...but the wait to get things was too long. LOL.
    Cheers,
    Chris

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    Re: The other side of marriage when you marry a Chinese

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