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    saving face

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    wanneroo
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    saving face

    Post by wanneroo on 22/01/11, 10:43 am

    Iam trying to understand the cultural business of "Saving Face" Its just something i have to try and understand, Chinese Women are no different when they want to be right in whatever is discussed its not easy when thet dont speak for a time, I lot of members are married to Chinese wives I have been living with mine for three months on an adjustment period, I would welcome comments from members on a practical level not I love the ground she walks on etc Very Happy
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    makem
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    Re: saving face

    Post by makem on 22/01/11, 01:57 pm

    Rather than give you my interpretaion I will point you to other more knowledgeable sources:

    http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101011073252AA5VsAp

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Face_%28sociological_concept%29

    Personally I just treat Han as a very knowledgeable highly educated person whom I respect. Therefore whatever she does or says I make sure she knows she has my respect and therefore can never lose face with me.

    Because you have lived in your society for many years and she has not, she may hide things that she does not know or understand, for fear of you thinking she should know. Only later will it 'come out' that fear of losing face prevented discussion about something. That is the time to talk and talk and talk again and take every opportunity of learning what she knows and thinks about all subjects.

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    Re: saving face

    Post by Guest on 22/01/11, 02:21 pm

    Each Chinese lady have different attitudes towards saving face some take it extremely serious other`s not so and the attitude of the husband is important if the husband shows a great respect and understanding towards his wife she shouldn't have a problem but if husband was to ridicule her and showed disrespect she wouldn't be an open and honest with you.

    So if you're wife tells you something don't be angry or embarrass her just be patient and understanding.

    Some time you can use this to your advantage there's nothing more frustrating when so call friend of your wife tell your wife some information which quite frankly is rubbish she thinks because her friend has told her she must be right, just say if I was to say that or do it I be losing face when you are asked why explain you will hear no more instead of saying your friend is talking rubbish which would just lead to a argument and a day of silence
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    Beijing2008
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    Re: saving face

    Post by Beijing2008 on 22/01/11, 03:34 pm

    In our relationship the only 'saving face'issue I experienced,that for my wife it is an issue not to tell anyone , that I am disable to work since 1999. Because of artrosis in my legs ,hands and arms.
    But since 2005 I developped myself through selfstudy into a legal advisor
    in EC law,just to be able to advise people who struggle with Governments and Immigrationservices.
    Since it is very satisfying to help people I don't feel I am less usefull.
    Many people who want their third country partner with them,rely on me.
    From contacts with Dutch and Belgian governmental and extra/non governmental organisations you learn a lot.
    And I made friends with it.
    Since laws keep changing, and the walls around Europe keep on growing,I have a lot of work.And the amount of EC countries is also exceeding.
    I do it on a voluntary base,I just like kicking against closed doors.
    I will start building a website, to reach more people, and perhaps make some money,but that isn't the main purpose.
    And I'm on several national and international fora about Immigration like on LinkedIn and JustLanded Europe
    So I don't feel ashamed or anything , that I don't make money with labour.
    And I have plenty of time for Lance LongFei, which is very rewarding, when a teacher tells me Lance is far ahead in speaking, writing, reading and counting, about 2-3 yrs.

    My experiences with Chinese women is, that they expect you to put everything down, whenever they want you something to do. Even if you are busy with something.Since they are 'somewhat' stubborn, they seem to ignore your advice and do it their way, and if that turns out not to work, you're to blame...
    My wife is taking drivinglessons, so now time for the theory study.Another
    challenge...

    tainoprofessor
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    Re: saving face

    Post by tainoprofessor on 11/01/12, 09:21 pm

    If I can add, there is a big difference in what you should say to your wife in front of others, and what you can say when you are alone.
    Don't directly disagree or shoot down the others point. Listen and give subtle adjustments or comments. I try to phrase things in questions as much as possible.
    The issue is probably very deep though, as face is (I hear) often used as an excuse to veil self-righteousness.
    Still treat her with respect and sensitivity and learn the issues that make her retreat.
    Good luck to us all

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